it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
His hands were made for my vagina.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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