she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
