He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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