The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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