Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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