pop tarts are not kleenex
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
