No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
