I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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