hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
