How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
