Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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