mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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