his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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