I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
