Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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