I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
