its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
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