your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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