In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize