currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
