Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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