dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
