it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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