I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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