I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
