Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
