Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
