one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
