He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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