new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
