So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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