he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
