remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
