I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
