o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
