You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
