At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
