Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Randomize
