You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
