thus making me awesome and them whores
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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