Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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