And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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