Banned from zoo.
Again?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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