I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
