no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
