Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize