They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
