when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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