someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
