genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Randomize
