I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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