Can i not drive my cunt home
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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