If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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