Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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